Coming Out

Depression.

I feel like there have been times in my life where I've danced around the edges of depression.  It runs heavily in my family history, so it's not all that surprising.  But, I've always managed.  I talk it out, I run, I manage.  I might feel glum for a day or two, but I always snap back.

Not anymore.

Overwhelm.
Overwhelmed.
Overwhelming.

In the last 3 weeks, I have experienced this word to it's fullest extent.  My house is not clean.  I cannot focus on my school work.  I want to run away and curl up in a tight ball to go to sleep all at the same time.  Bath time for just one kid or even thinking about what's for dinner requires a huge effort on my part.  My brain feels like it has taken a vacation for the last few days, to the point that the words coming out of my mouth do not even make sense.  And I'm convinced you can't truly appreciate exhaustion until you are a mother. 

I've tried counseling, I've been running 2-3 days per week, I (occasionally) do yoga/meditation/deep breathing exercises, I pray, I talk with Hubby, and I socialize with friends.  I might get a "break" in the day by hanging out with fellow mommies, but the blues return full force once I pack up the kids in the car.  Instead of getting better, I'm getting worse.

It's not like there aren't enough stressors in my life right now.  I'm in the last 4 weeks of my last nursing class (to earn my BSN), Hubby has been gone Monday through Friday, family stresses, my insomnia is getting worse, and Baby Thunder has been waking up twice a night. 

So today, I have resorted to the last weapon I can think of to combat this Deep Depression - medication.  I pray it will be enough to get me through this transition and back on the upswing of things.  I'm ready to feel happy.  To truly smile.  To stop just surviving each day and actually start enjoying spending this time I have with my little ones.